inadequacy...i had a pang of inadequacy today when i was walking hayden back to the car. now you can say what you want when you read this....but it will never ever fill the hole that has been created in my stomach. sometimes i feel bad for hayden because i can't given him the "finer things" in life. aka..most times i cant even afford to send him to the YMCA soccer because it costs so damn much ($60 to sign up BEFORE i buy cleats, a ball, ect.) i just hate that because i chose the way i chose, he has to suffer. and i know what you're thinking..oh he's not suffering, he's going to grow up and not realize he missed anything...blah blah blah..and while i know that 90% of that is true, when we have another kid, i will have money. i will be able to give that child more of a childhood that hayden got to have. well more full of "stuff" anyway. and that hurts my heart. i love hayden and i want him to have everything he ever dreamed of and i know that in 2 years things will be better, but in the mean time, hayden is going to go through preschool--2nd grade with sub-par activities. sure we take him to the park, and sure we have fun, and sure hayden enjoys being around grownups i swear more than he likes to be around other kids sometimes ..it just never settles my stomach when the old pang of guilt comes back that he wont get to have the childhood he deserves because i had him when i was 16. and don't get me wrong, he's a great kid. and most people realize that. but it still sucks.
ANYWAY...on a MUCH lighter note..i went and ran today!!! 3.38 miles to be exact and my pace was under 10 min. per mile! i'm going to hurt tomorrow but who cares?! it was great. it sucked dont get me wrong...but it felt great afterward. i'll be sore, but in all honesty that will probably be a welcome change from the last few times i've run and i get home and i'm mostly fine. i'm glad i got home and wanted to go straight to bed! but hey i'm here blogging instead! and about to watch one tree hill and read for BA tomorrow and maybe even get some research done for my appellate brief...but who knows..my money is on reading...
Topic change #3!! my dad came to town this weekend!!! well him and my stepmom both came. and i swear i push down how much i miss them until they are here. i miss them more than i think they will ever understand. i enjoyed the time i got to spend with them when we all lived here and i wish they hadn't ever moved!
ok..time for school...and a picture....
No comments:
Post a Comment